written by: Syazreen Yustman
Ever wondered what self-love really means? Loosely defined, this term has been used and abused for a myriad of agendas that may not necessarily be good for us.
Everyone desires to know how to self-love, but the majority are still struggling to figure it out. What actually is ‘self-love’? In short, self-love is the state where you are confident by believing that you deserve contentment and happiness in life. It is undeniable that self-love is important to truly accept yourself from within, flaws and all. Not only does it help you understand yourself more, it also boosts your self-esteem, and self-worth. You cannot quantify these things.
Self-love is not a bad thing. Like anything done in excess, self-love could be portrayed as self-interest. The thin line between self-love and self-interest is almost impossible to see.
“How can self-love become self-interest?” you ask.
Self-interest is the excessive egoistic attention given to oneself only. This includes concentrating on things that are only beneficial to them, with no desire to be conscious of other people’s well-being. On top of that, self-interested people are unbothered by the aftermath of their actions towards their environment. It is true that there are times where we should be conscious of the hurtful opinions of others and let it not affect our well-being. People do say things for a reason, and instead of just shrugging it off, we should take the time to dig deep and understand their true intent. We grow and we learn to get better at organizing feedback we get. Does it help me grow? If yes, learn from it. If no, trash it.
The Importance of Self-Love.
It may sound self-centred to love yourself, but self-love is necessary. In fact, it is a slow moving process that requires a lot of experimentation and errors. Fret not, working towards loving yourself can sometimes be learned by loving others. It’s not essential to be all figured out in order to love someone else. Providing love and attention to someone will assist you in realising that you are entitled to be treated the same. Being loved by another person helps you to understand and accept your flaws. It helps you see all the good things about yourself from another’s perspective. Surround yourself with kind people. Also as a safety measure, loving yourself helps you to be protected from people that have no intention in making you feel safe and happy. When you love yourself, you’ll realise that you deserve the good things in life too. Good things are not just reserved for someone who’s contributing more to society or has more influence. It belongs to everyone. Be it happiness, kindness, healthy mental health, or even a good partner! You will also find it easier to forgive yourself when things go wrong because you know that things happen for a reason, and there is always a way to fix it as long as time exists. Happiness and Sadness are temporary emotions. Contentment and gratefulness are more sustainable ways of living.
Self-love helps you to realise the things that you need to do for your better self. You’re not always right, and it’s fine! The ability to fully take responsibility for your actions is a sense of maturity and growth, which plays a huge part in loving yourself. However, always remember that there’s a difference between loving yourself and treating yourself. A cheating partner can still put in effort to treat you well but not love you. A wife can still love her cheating husband and treat him horribly. Many people mistake self-treating and self-love and it can be quite unsustainable in the long run.
List out 10 things you love about yourself, and 10 things you do to treat yourself. You’ll understand the differences better. You will notice that the intrinsic ways of being grateful everyday grant you more consistent positive emotions in the long run compared to buying ice-cream for yourself every time you feel sad. We’re not saying it’s wrong to treat yourself, but it’s important to understand how much you need treats to make yourself feel better and not be totally dependent on it. Like all drugs, anything done in access can be dangerous.
Some people still find it hard adapting to this, but trust me, it takes time and patience. Self-love is progress that happens more intrinsically. It’s a result of cumulative events where you see things as a lesson, you learn, and improve!
Once you’ve figured it out, dealing with people would not be as complicated any more, especially in a romantic relationship! It is closely associated, owing to the fact that being prepared and well-aware of how you can be loved helps with relationships through honest communication.
How Does One Cross-Over from Self-Love to Self-Interest?
What and how people think about themselves influence the way they feel and think about other people. A person with high self-love will tend to understand their boundaries better, but in the long run, it may be intolerable to satisfy them once they have realised how addictive it can be to have the power of setting boundaries, especially when it’s newly discovered. It’s totally fine to ask for respect, but over-claiming it to the point of breaching other people’s serenity is definitely not the way to go. Always be aware of each boundary you set, and understand the consequences they bring so that you can set and unset boundaries in a more effective way.
Remember: Other people need respect just as much as you do!
For someone who is tremendously driven with the concept of self-love, it is easier to be influenced with the distorted idea of self-love today. They put themselves as the protagonist and expect things to go as they wish. For them, the world revolves around them. Why, you may ask? Simply because they believe that they deserve it, due to self-love.
People are so misguided with the ideologies of self-love, they neglect the feelings of other individuals. When a person is obsessed with the idea of self-love, the act of self-love transforms into self-interest. They would use this ideology as an excuse to justify unpopular behaviours, when in fact, self-love is for people to be content with what they have, and the ability for them to move on regardless of the situation. Even though self-love practices putting yourself as the priority, that does not mean caring and being kind to others are deprioritized.
Think about how social media has warped and changed the notion of self-love.
The Consequences and Impact
When dealing with someone who maintains a decent gesture of self-love, you’ll be able to feel the positive energy they exude. Being around them would not feel like a hassle, and they will always listen. It’s easier to talk to them because they will respect you just as much as they respect themselves, and if there are any arguments needed, they will always let you speak and explain your point of view first, then agree to disagree. They will gently let you know if there are any miscommunications and are open for feedback and discussions. These kinds of people are not scared of being corrected, and will take accountability of their actions.
On the other hand, dealing with a self-interested person will make you feel like you’re suffocating. Everything you do is wrong in their eyes, and they are the only ones that are always right, just like a narcissist.
Have you ever dealt with someone who would only look for you when it’s beneficial or convenient for them? Dealing with these people requires a lot of time and honest communication of feelings. People do not change overnight and it is also not our responsibility to change them. People will only change on their own accord if they see the benefits of certain behaviors. So instead of telling them how to act, show them. Highlight the good consequences of those behaviors and continue doing so until they realise that, “Hey, maybe being understanding is not too hard after all. I know how to do it now thanks to you.”
Self-love and self-interest are two different things. Thus, always be cautious of who you are talking to, and whether or not you are dealing with someone who is self-conceited. The definition of what makes a healthy boundary in society changes everyday, hence, constant self evaluation is crucial in order to understand and challenge its boundaries more frequently. It can be very tiring and taxing, but with practice, it will become second nature. Not to forget, it may cause anxiety to some, so always keep a healthy mindset on self reflection and remember that the purpose of it is to understand yourself and the people around you better, rather than penalising yourself even more. People without mistakes do not exist, so don’t be too harsh on yourself!
Self-Help Books Recommendation
Here are some self-help books that can help with your process of loving yourself!
About
Jack Canfield, who is also a motivational speaker, wrote How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be as a guide for the readers to realise their goals and the steps to achieve them. This book can help readers to take charge of their lives and help them live a life full of purpose and passion, just like how they dream of. He also mentioned how to overcome problems in life, and better time management. This book may help you in your progress of self-love as it will teach you how to get back on track when you fall.
About
If you love poetry, this is definitely the one for you! Najwa Zebian is well known for her poetry and novels that are related to self-healing, self-love, self-forgiving, and the struggle of overcoming one’s history of pain. Her previous books, Mind Platter (2016), and The Nectar of Pain (2016), are also very useful and beneficial in helping people to find peace within themselves. Sparks of Phoenix has six chapters in total where each chapter consists of a healing stage, starting with Falling, where she explains that every human being will go through their lowest point in life while convincing us that we’re not alone. The second chapter is Burning to Ashes, where it relates to the process of letting go, especially letting go of the people that hurt you, even if you love them, even if it’s hard. Chapter 3, Sparks of Phoenix, contains words you need to hear as a motivation for you to forgive your abuser, and at the same time forgive yourself. This is very important in sustaining your inner peace. The next chapter, Rising, she wrote on how peaceful life will be once you are able to accept the pain that you have gone through. Not forget, but instead, channel it into something powerful, and be grateful that your pain is the reason why you are strong today. Soaring, the fifth chapter, is where all the success, relief, courage, and power is utilized once you feel free from your past. Last but not least, A New Chapter, the segment that gives the most impact to readers. The last chapter of this book really inspires readers to have the courage to face their pain in order to heal because it gives the excitement of being able to be kind not only to other people, but to yourself, especially.
About
The Self-Love Experiment is a book by Shanon Kaiser where she shares her secrets to loving herself, finding purpose, and living a passion-filled life after recovering from eating disorders, depression, drug addictions, and corporate burnout. There are fifteen principles for becoming more kind, compassionate, and accepting of yourself. Her main idea of this book is to reach out to the readers and motivate them to put a stop to self-sabotage, and overcome the fears to gain confidence in order to reach your goals. Shanon explained in this book that daily habits and perspectives need to be changed if you want to change your outcome in life, and achieve self-love and self-acceptance.
Always be kind to yourself as you would to other people, and follow your own pace. In time, you’ll be able to find peace and love yourself, utterly. All the best!
